This was about one or two years ago.
I was spending my days feeling frustrated and dissatisfied.
To be honest, I wasn’t enjoying being alive.
My emotions were all over the place. I would get irritated or burst into tears over the smallest things, and I had grown tired of being that way.
Now, although I still have my ups and downs, I find myself enjoying life much more.
I can genuinely be there for the people I love. I can enjoy taking on new challenges.
I have so much more emotional breathing room, and I’ve come to feel, “Life really is fun.”
At the same time, I realized that my life had changed dramatically.
So today, I’d like to share an experience that became a major turning point for me.
The Days I Spent Feeling Dissatisfied
When I was working for a company, I took two extended periods of medical leave because of health problems.
The first time, I took a year and a half off and then returned to work.
I worked for another two years, but my health gradually deteriorated again.
I kept pushing myself to work despite not feeling well, until eventually my heart palpitations wouldn’t stop.
I felt that I had reached my limit, both physically and emotionally, and told my supervisor that I wanted to resign.
However, thanks to my supervisor’s kindness, I was given another chance to take medical leave, with the thought that if there was even a small possibility that I could recover and return to work, I should give it a try.
And so, I took a second leave of absence.
I felt terribly guilty toward the people in my department, but I took a year and a half off, holding on to that last sliver of hope.
However, my recovery seemed to be slower than it had been during my first leave.
Was it because the damage had accumulated? Or simply because I was getting older…?
I spent most of my days at home, doing housework and constantly thinking,
“What can I do to get better?”
At the same time, I was deeply frustrated.
“Why can’t I work like everyone else?”
There was another major source of dissatisfaction, too.
“Why can’t I have children?”
By then, I was nearing the end of my thirties, and most of my friends had already had children.
Every time I heard that a friend was pregnant or had given birth, I felt a sharp pain deep inside.
Of course, these were friends I truly loved, so I wanted to celebrate their happiness.
But the truth was, I couldn’t sincerely feel happy for them.
I spent my days carrying all of these frustrations inside me.
Three Books from a Friend
Around that time, a friend who could see how miserable I was gave me three books.
The message of the books was something along the lines of:
“By sharing your authentic self with the world, you can become a light for someone else.”
I read them all in one go.
Soon afterward, I launched this website.
I’m not very good with digital technology, so I started sharing things online by watching videos and websites and figuring things out as I went.
I also joined an online course hosted by the author of those books.
For the first time, I really began to take a close look at myself.
As part of the course, I had an opportunity to think about all the things I was dissatisfied with in my life.
When I started writing them down, they just kept coming:
- I can’t work.
- I can’t have children.
And those were just the biggest ones.
Once I put them into words, there were many things that made me think,
“Oh… so that’s what I’ve been thinking.”
And then came the surprising part.
During the course, we were told that:
“The very situation you’re dissatisfied with is actually a situation in which your heart’s desires have been fulfilled.”
“Wait… what?”
“No way!!”
I was suffering so much. How could I possibly have wanted this?
There was no way I could accept that right away.
But the course continued.
Through the course, I met all kinds of people and discovered that there are so many different ways to live.
“The world I’ve seen up until now was only a tiny part of the whole picture!”
Almost everyone around me, including myself, had been a company employee.
Working a set number of hours each day, such as eight hours, was simply considered normal.
In exchange, you received a salary from your employer.
But there are so many more diverse ways to live in this world.
And that’s when I realized:
I can create my own way of living.
In the summer of 2024, I left the company where I had worked for 12 years and took a new step forward.
What My Heart Truly Wanted
Now, let’s get back to the subject of dissatisfaction.
During the course, I put my frustrations into words:
“I can’t work.”
“I can’t have children.”
I also decided, at least for the time being, to accept the idea that these situations were somehow connected to what my heart had wanted.
And as I continued living with that perspective, I began to notice something.
The emotional ups and downs that had once been so intense started to become gentler.
I found myself able to be there for the people I love wholeheartedly, and I began to feel deeply fulfilled.
Looking back, when I was forcing myself to work despite being unwell, I had absolutely no emotional or physical room left.
I had completely exceeded my capacity.
It was as if even the smallest thing could make water overflow from my cup.
I’d snap at my family or burst into tears over little things…
And then I’d think,
“I’m making the people I love suffer…”
I felt pathetic and sad.
There were times when I just wanted to disappear.
Losing the ability to work was truly painful and disappointing.
But because I couldn’t work, I was able to use the time and energy I had once devoted to my job to rest and take care of my body and mind.
As I regained some breathing room, that space began to show up in the form of compassion.
And then I suddenly realized:
“I wanted to treat the people I love with kindness…”
“I wanted to truly cherish the people who matter to me…”
Something I hadn’t even been aware of—a deep, genuine desire that had been hiding in the depths of my heart—suddenly came clearly into view.
Wow.
That really surprised me.
The moment I realized this, I felt something inside me suddenly become lighter.
The dissatisfaction disappeared.
That’s when I truly understood just how much of a burden that “dissatisfaction” had been placing on my heart.
And as that burden lifted, energy began bubbling back up inside me.
I found myself enjoying new challenges again, such as hosting online study sessions and starting my own business.
First, I noticed my dissatisfaction and put it into words.
Then, I accepted it, at least for the time being, as something I had chosen.
After that, through reflecting on myself and talking with other people, I began to discover what my heart truly wanted.
That is how I was able to let go of my dissatisfaction.
Once I let it go, my heart truly felt lighter, and I found myself filled with a positive energy that made life feel interesting and exciting again.
Coming to Terms with Infertility
So what about my other major source of dissatisfaction—the fact that I couldn’t have children?
These days, I’ve heard the Japanese term minin (“not yet pregnant”) being used instead of funin (“infertility”), but it still doesn’t feel very familiar to me, so I’ll continue to use the word “infertility” here.
I eventually found an answer to this, too.
This may sound like a bit of a love story, but I absolutely adore my husband.
We’re coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary, and we’ve been together for nearly 20 years.
I’ve always loved children, and I never questioned the idea that once I got married, I would naturally have children and raise them.
So when I didn’t become pregnant after getting married, no matter how much time passed, I was devastated.
Because I was struggling with my health, I didn’t have the emotional or physical capacity to seriously face the issue, and time just kept passing while my anxiety grew.
When I finally let go of my job, I decided it was time to face the issue properly and went to the hospital.
Things didn’t always go the way I hoped, and there were times when it was painful.
But it also gave my husband and me a valuable opportunity to sit down and talk honestly and deeply about our lives.
As a result, our bond grew stronger, and we became more determined to walk through life in the same direction.
I also came to appreciate something I had previously taken for granted:
how fortunate we are to be healthy, happy, and able to enjoy our life together as a couple.
By learning to focus on what is there rather than what isn’t, my frustration over not being able to have children gradually disappeared.
Whether we have a child someday or not, I believe I can live a happy life.
Because of the situation that once felt like a “problem”—not being able to have children—my husband and I became even closer, and we learned to enjoy our time together more than ever.
Letting Go and Reclaiming My Natural Energy
This time, I wanted to share my personal experience of letting go of dissatisfaction as honestly as I could.
It actually took quite a lot of courage and time to put something so private and deeply personal into words.
But I wanted to share it because of how much the practice of letting go has helped me, and because I’ve experienced firsthand how much power there can be in letting go.
In fact, I have many more stories about letting go.
Letting go of things I struggle with, attachment, guilt, other people’s values, assumptions, and so on…
Every time I let something go, my heart felt lighter and I seemed to have more energy.
And little by little, my authentic self began to emerge from different angles.
My journey with letting go began when allergies prompted me to start getting rid of things around me.
Since then, I’ve experienced how letting go of housework, work, relationships, thoughts, and even things related to my body can make both my mind and body feel lighter.
Later, quite unexpectedly, I discovered the idea of letting go on an emotional level.
I was so moved by its power that I began wanting to share it with other people.
That feeling when something suddenly clicks and your whole view opens up…
The sense of clarity, relief, and excitement!
I hope to continue sharing, little by little, the stories of how my life has changed for the better through the theme of letting go.
And someday, I’d love to take on the challenge of publishing a book that brings all of these stories together. ✨
The fact that I’m enjoying all these different challenges now almost feels like a dream.
Maybe this is who I really was all along—
the energetic, vibrant version of myself that had been waiting to emerge.
I hope that something from my experience can offer even a small hint or inspiration to anyone reading this.
Thank you so much for reading to the end. 😊